I hate being of Asian/Filipino descent.

Written on 10:43 PM by DRV

I know I promised that this blog would be about gaming, but I can't help it. I really was looking to do a huge editorial on it too, but I can't... because of my really fucked up life.

I didn't want this blog to turn into a place to vent out with my fake use of emo-ness, but this is just going to have to be the case... just once. Everyone knows about the stereotypical, overprotective, and strict Asian parents. You see, with Filipinos--it's sorta different, but again, sorta similar. With Filipino parents, they're either extremely strict or their incredibly loose. It's NEVER in the middle. Ask any Filipino. Their parents either don't give a shit about what they do, or they're never outside of their house.

For the latter part of my life, they've been strict, but it's gotten different beginning with my Junior year of high school, when I joined Mabuhay. Thanks to Mabuhay and other extracurricular programs, I've become more of an outsider. I've become more social. But now that I'm out of high school, my parents were wondering why the hell I was still doing Mabuhay activities.

Yesterday, when I got out of the shower, my father immediately called me down. This was the conversation.

"Let me talk to you for a minute." (Note--whenever a parent says that, he/she really means yell or nag.)
"Sure dad."
"Do you still wanna go to school?"
"Yes."
"Then what are you doing?"
"What?"
"Why are you still going to those program?!"
"Huh?"
"That dancing dancing. Do you really need that?"
"It's not dancing I've been doing. It's community service."
"Do you even need that?"
"Of course."
"I thought you graduated already!"
"Yeah."
"You don't need that then!"
"*sigh*"
"What?"
"It'll help me for college."
"Help you how?"
"Leadership."
"That's bullshit."
"What?"
"You think if you're ever in trouble--they'll help you? Of course not, it's all bullshit! Don't go to those program anymore!"
"Why? What am I gonna do then?"
"You look for a job!"
"You haven't been looking for a job, all you've been doing is dancing with those people."
"I have been looking for a job."
"You stay home then!"
"What am I gonna do at home?"
"It's vacation. Take a rest!"
"Take a rest? That's why I've been sleeping until noon every day!"
"You don't need those stupid program. They're just manipulating you. They don't even pay you. They just give you awards. That's nothing! Those are bullshit!"
"Whatever. You always yell at me for the same stuff all the time."
"If you think you're smarter than me, you get out! We don't need you here. God damn it."

Whatever. So what happened to me that day? I listened of course. I stayed home. Instead of being trained for my FYC Internship, I MySpaced. What the fuck. I am just not happy right now. Today, I missed the start of FYC Summer Program. Tomorrow, I'm gonna miss Honors Night--where I finally get recognized for my accomplishments. Why? All this time, I thought my parents were proud that I've started to become so in touch with my culture... my people. Now, my dad says I'm being "manipulated."

I don't know what to do. What can I possibly do now? They just find new ways to hurt me. I'm 18 and I've known how my parents were for all these years. I was happy for the last two years of my life, and now I'm back to this ... undefined shell of mistreatment. I don't know anymore. I don't think I can last another day in this hellhole. I can only handle so much. But I just can't up and leave... even though I am a legal adult.

But I'm not talking to my father either. He's the reason why I'm so unhappy, and he doesn't understand shit to begin with. Then if someone else talks to him, they fall under his tight gripping mouth.

The programs I'm a part of were a big part of my life. I mean, look at my last entry... it's all about my newfound passion of Sayaw. I had goals. I wanted to find ways to become noticed and show my skill to professional dance companies in the hopes of being recruited. Now I'm banned from all things Filipino.

Damn it all. They're racist to everybody... even themselves. It's times like these where I wish I was fucking white.

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